it's so painful and tiring. really, to be pulled down what people think and expect from me is killing me bit by bit. Sometimes i really wonder have i been hiding from the truth all this while. I know i did, i know i'm always a troubled kid but i choose to be ignorant.Now come the consequences, my expection of others, my expectations of myself, others expectations of me.I feel like letting my tears flow..into the deep blue sea where only the fish can feel my tears. Slowly, one day when i have no tears left, i'll be so tired, carried off by the waves into the deep blue ocean into the horizon where i find my sanctuary, the place i belong.

If I should go,
If I were to get close to you
What would you say?
I don't have the courage
If you were to go,
If you were to leave,
How should I let go?
It keeps hanging in my mind.

I know I am a fool, watching you from a distance
Maybe I am worried that you'll turn my feeling away
and so making us strangers again
Just like a fool,I can't even say I love you because
We're afraid the wait that come upon us
or the pain after we meet.

If you to come, to come near me.
What would I do, I really don't know.

Because I'm a fool, even though looking at you is all I can do
Maybe I am worried that you'll turn my feeling away
and so making us strangers again
Just like a fool,I can't even say I love you because
We're afraid the wait that come upon us
or the pain that falls after we meet.

I wonder what are you doing now.

It hurts so badly to see her in pain. Even if i don't know her. Her courage, her boldness, her unwillingness to let go of the past. And I understand the difficulty of doing so, really, sincerely do. Sometimes i feel as though my heart stop beating, for her, for him, for me. For my selfishness, for my ignorance thoroughout the months. How I enjoyed the moments so much when i know someone's hurting, how i know my willingness to open up a barrier, a gate that will inevitably hit another person. I really regret it, really regret opening up again but yet i know deep down i really crave for this concern. Once again, i fell for this temptation, this temptation which will make me a clown again, which may bring out my cowardness once again. I know you still rmb the pain, the story behind us, but you pretend not to.Should i be happy or sad?I dun really know. Should i open up again?Should i just be ignorant for once again?Should i just go ahead and bang myself against the wall this time round? i don't know.

i miss everyone right now!!!
from 203 to 2808 to ocip.
my heart aches. really painful. pretty depress nowadays even though i know there are so many frens around me that i can depend on, but it's more than that.
ALways find it hard to talk about my worries and problems to people. It always seem like my problems are nothing to other people, but it meant alot to me.But i also understand that everyone has their fair share of problems not only me, i really dunno how i feel now. My difficulties with identifying my own feelings is affecting me so badly. Toilet has always been my sanctuarym the PLACE i can depend on:):)

all back to square one.

Was in school with wen hang today mugging, actually it was more of a spilling out session with each other. We talked abt almost everything under the sun , our dreams, our life.

it's how uncanny both of us can be so similar, although hang is a really hot girl.

Dreams - to just put everything behind and not care abt what life has to offer us in singapore. Move on , move on with life overseas so that we can benefit people who need us to. We really ponder what are we living for in singapore, for family, for studies? Yes, you say unrealistic to just abandon everything but we think Service. The passion to serve others in another area.

Life - who knew we could openly talk abt our past. Past, to us, is something we desperately try to hide. And we admit that we're clowns, clowns that make people happy, clowns that act tough despite all the insecurities that's running beneath us.But hang hang, we must continue to act tough, because there's so many people we have to care for. there's so many people whom we need to be strong for. It's for them, it's for us, we must always know our value, our aims in life, this way, we'll never be blinded by the unhappiness that never fail to appear in front of us :)

It was great, hang hang, talking to you today was great, it really make me realise how much i should reflect and also how much i cherish you and lian lian as a friend, as a family member. I truely love the times spent with you and lian during training week, OCIP sobmoei and even back here. I know you need support and I'll always be here for you. Do remember, we're strong girls!!!

You'll never understand how i feel, do you ?
I guess you'll never know, and it's not your fault, it's mine. bcoz i'll never have the courage to tell you my worries, my regrets.
It's all about feeling inferior, yup, that's how i feel when i was around you, inferior was the only thing i noticed. I noticed how much you were blooming like a flower while i was there withering.

One thing is you're so nice,too nice and i know you everyone tells you that, but to me, you're so much better than what i can express verbally. I know you dote on everyone you know but i just want to believe that it's me alone.

you'll never know how scared i was when you were abt to blast out your answer. i was so scared i ran away, i dun wanna know abt the other one, the other part of your life.

There's so many regrets, one of them was opening up another wound, another wound where i know it'll make me even more confused than ever, but it's not your fault, it's mine, it's my foolishness that i think that everything will still be the same. the truth is, it wont and i did not get that fact right until now.

i'm still clinging on and i despise myself for it, just like how i dislike others who will never let go even though everything was over. Now, it's time to scoff at myself, IRIS-The-Great who is actually the best example of the cowards who only cling onto the past!

As much as the sun that rises above you,
I'll keep you safe as much as you've waited for me, with this glaring heart,
All the dreams I've prayed for,
They're going towards you with my sincere scent,
More than the air I breathe. -DBSK-

I know that it may never end up the way i want it to, but trust me, regardless of what happen, i'll keep you safe and happy, i dun wanna be a burden. i just wanna hear your laughter and keep you moving on :)

omg! it's been like 10 frigging months since i've updated!
life in AJ has been , well, gd and bad.
thank you to 2808, the class which i grow to love, esp the 6 of us.
thank you JLC for accompanying me throughout the days
thank you 203 peeps for loving me like you all did
thank you OCIP, hang and lian for the love you girls showered me!!
thank you everyone, for making me the person i am today, i grew up alot, really , alot , taking up things i nv would have done in the past. so thank you all. i'm really bad at expressing myself so i hope you guys cam feel it:)

Readers may find this a lil depressing.

Irys
AJC 2808
StAJeWorks
JLC
Ocip Team thailand 2008

YOU
HAPPINESS, i know it's cliche, watever

:D

kaiwei
pauline
sheryl
emily
kaylee
joan
huimin
moritza
yishun
onenano
weini
yihfang
hanif